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Monday, September 9, 2019

Chin Up

Someone wrote this to me on Tumblr, probably 8 years ago...

"Have you ever just stopped and looked at the weather? There's something about the weather that's just so real. You can't change it by wishing it away. If it's dark and cold, there's nothing you can do about it. But one day, it will be sunny. You can't control when the sun will come out, but it will. After years of believing I'd forever live in the dark, it's no longer raining. And one day, it will stop raining for you too. Chin up." 




I'd love to credit whoever that was, but their account was deactivated years ago. Tumblr is for old people now. (I'm old people.)

While I was being nostalgic and browsing through my old Tumblr account, I came across that message again. And I read it over and over again. It's crazy how after all these years God will bring me back to my old blog to show me something and speak to me. I'm shocked I even remembered the password.

Lately I've been incredibly frustrated with my situation. I have so many passions and dreams and ideas. And it seems like the all go to waste because I have no resources or time. Heck, I don't even know if anyone actually takes the time to reads these things.

So I get so frustrated, literally oozing with creativity and desire to have some sort of outlet, when I feel like it's all going to waste. Why, I ask God, did you even make me this way, if I'm going to spend most of my time at a desk answering phones? And then I spend hours scrolling through instagram staring at people who I believe are living my dream life. I don't even have to tell you that everyone has their own struggles and most of them aren't posting their struggles, because by now you know that. But sometimes I still find myself falling into that trap.

"You can't control when the sun will come out, but it will."


I don't  know what that means for me. I don't know if the sun coming out is having a career in something I'm absolutely in love with and passionate about. I don't know if it's peace with the life God has given me and better time management resources to still be able to do the things I love. I've learned that perspective has the power to lift a huge weight off of you. Lately I've been putting into perspective everything I've been blessed with. I might not love my job, but I have a job. It pays my bills. I can save money. It might not be the highest paying, but it leaves me with some money to do things I want to do. I don't love living in an apartment..heck, I miss my old house. If you don't already know, it was foreclosed. But..I have a room, a bed, and my parent's don't put all the pressure on me to pay rent. I have parents who are able to help me. As hard as things can seem sometimes, when you take the time to realise that you actually have a lot to be thankful for, you can shift your entire mental state.

I don't know when your sun will come out. But I do know what Jesus said.

"...I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly." 
John 10:10

Things don't always go our way. I can promise you if I had every thing I have ever prayed for, I'd be cringing, and also begging for God to take it away. As humans, what we think we want is not actually what is good for us. But I know one thing. That we have a someone watching over us, who knows the very best for us, and while being told no may sting in the moment, he has one goal for us: abundant life. He is making and molding you to one day be the perfect creation he intended you to be with every hardship you endure.
And so, no matter how dark thing may seem right now, God knows your life from start to finish, and he is doing everything he needs to so that you can living abundantly. Your current situation is not a mistake or you missing your calling, it's a stepping stone to where God is taking you. Find the lesson.











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Tuesday, May 28, 2019

If This Is What It Feels Like To Be Born Again, I'll Be Born Again

When I close my eyes, I can still feel everything. The entire day was a fog, I was in so much pain, it seemed like the day dragged on forever, yet looking back it feels like time has just flown by. 

I can't stress this enough. When it feels like you can't keep going, KEEP GOING. If I had given up at any point, I wouldn't be able to experience all that God has blessed me with. When you look at the person I am today, if you hadn't known the old me, you would probably be shocked to hear this. I've been told it's hard to believe that I was ever any different than I am now.

A year ago I was completely hopeless. 
I was crushed, joyless, in complete desperation and searching for a God that I was told could ease my pain, yet I found it so hard to believe he would do it for me. 

I remember the whole journey thinking, if God loves me, why won't he just do it now? Why do I have to experience this? I so badly wanted to fast forward to the part of my life where everything was "good."

But that's the problem. Things are never just "good." There is always pain. I'm experiencing it now, even at this point in my life where I'm so full of joy and gratefulness. Things are still hard.
When you realise that pain and joy can co-exist is when the desperation and constant crisis end.

"And it's okay to grieve, a life that could not be," -JJ Heller, Braver Still

It is a slow process. When you turn over your life, your past, your pain, to Jesus, it is almost never an overnight change. But just like wine, all good things take time. Don't be fooled into thinking that your suffering is in vain.

Memorial Day 2018 - I spent the day in bed, hopeless.

Memorial Day 2019 - I spent the day surrounded by friends and family, grateful.

If I had never experienced the pain I had, I could never see how beautiful life truly is. 
I would not be the person I am today.
And I'm thankful every moment I suffered, because it was an opportunity to cling to the Lord.
And today, I choose joy. Knowing that I will still suffer, and this life will always be flawed.


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Saturday, April 13, 2019

Way Maker, Miracle Worker, Promise Keeper, Light In The Darkness

That is who you are.


For me, Spring comes with busyness. From Easter to weddings, the weather really makes it the perfect season for any celebration. This season for me is filled with birthdays, Easter celebrations, weddings, SO many birthdays..all wonderful things. Things that should make my heart feel so full of joy. And they do.

But for a moment, I caught myself being annoyed at this. I was annoyed that I didn't know when the next time I'd actually have a weekend off. I was annoyed at my busyness.

The girl who used to LONG to be included in these types of celebrations was IRRITATED that she was being included in so many. When I say I didn't have much before I surrendered my life to Jesus, I'm not just saying it. I didn't have many friends, I wasn't included in anything that wasn't my immediate family, I would have never been invited to any church family celebrations because I wouldn't even make eye contact with them. I spent too many nights wondering what was wrong with me. Trying to figure out why it seemed like all my peers were so busy celebrating life while I was living the same boring day to day life.

God changed all of the that. He drew my blood family closer to me, he gave me new family through the church, incredible friends. I was living a completely different life, I was included, I felt like I was apart of a family. I joke now that I have like 5 moms and dads and 3 new sisters, cause literally, I do.

When I thought God couldn't bless me any more than he already had, he gave me David.

So in that moment when I caught my self being irritated that I was being INCLUDED and WELCOMED in too many joyful events, it was sobering to remember that the old me would have been overcome with joy to be included in just one.

Today I'm thankful for this extremely busy season, because 20 years from now, I won't remember how tired I may have felt, but I will remember the beautiful memories this season held. Looking back on Spring 2019, one day it will be marked with great joy that I will long to relive for just a moment. And so, I'm making it my mission to cherish every moment, no matter how nonstop it feels, and just enjoy all of these things that I've been blessed with.




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Sunday, March 3, 2019

It's Your Breathe, In Our Lungs

This weekend was incredible. It started with a trip to Brooklyn Teen Challenge Friday night for coffeehouse, where a lot of my closest friends met the Lord years ago. It was amazing and bittersweet to be there and think about the people they were when they walked in for the first time. You wouldn't even recognise the people they are today. They were made completely new. As I sat with their kids while they led worship, I couldn't help but be so in awe of God and what he did for them. Not only would those adorable little humans not exist if it wasn't for the restoration God did in their lives, but they wouldn't be the people they are today without him. They've blessed my life so much and I could never thank him enough. It's so encouraging to know that he delivered them from suicide, depression, self harm, addiction, and so much more. Things I struggled with once myself. And to see them now..It just gives you so much hope.

We had an amazing time and the road trip there and back was so much fun. We got delicious pizza from Emily's, fought with a glass bottle of coke for like an hour because we didn't have a bottle opener and I'm SO stubborn, (God's still working on that, haha.) I woke up a few times on the way home to them singing ridiculous songs, and had a great time just being with them. I could cry when I think about how much God blessed me with these people.

Saturday I spent with two great friends at the Roosevelt Field Mall, and we really had an amazing time exploring (its literally giant, we definitely got lost a few times) and I had the best chai tea latte I've ever had recommended by a friend at Sip This in Valley Stream.

Times like this when things are just amazing it truly makes me appreciate God's presence in my life not only in the highs, but in the lows. Some people tend to forget about him when things are going well but for me..all I can think is how different it used to be and how grateful I am that I even have friends to experience life with. I used to have nothing. I'm pretty blessed.

It's Sunday, and the day has started beautifully. I woke up to birds chirping and the weather is amazing. Sunday's are my favourite. I wake up early and have hours to spend with the Lord before church. My drive to get coffee this morning alone was so sweet. Even as I write this my heart feels swollen with gratitude for how blessed I really am. And to think there was ever a time I wanted to die..

I truly pray that if you're struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts today, that God opens your eyes the way he did mine. There's so much to be grateful for.

In a few minutes I leave to pick up my best friend and take her to church with me, so we can worship our Savior together. It doesn't get much better than that.

























"Each day is God's gift. It's all you get in exchange for the hard work of staying alive. Make the most of each one! Whatever turns up, grab it and do it. And heartily!
Ecclesiastes 9:9-11 MSG







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Thursday, February 28, 2019

I Never Knew What Freedom Was Until I Learned What Prison Means


10 months ago, I walked back into my childhood church crushed, confused, broken. 


I had spent 3 years planning my future with someone who walked away. I didn't know who I was. I had put my entire identity in him. I had passions and desires, but no motivation. God wanted so desperately for me to grow and nuture those passions he had instilled in me since a child, but I didn't even know who God was. 

I swear I thought I wouldn't make it. There were days that my heart was so broken I thought the pain would truly never end. Dying seemed a lot easier than living. As much as I hated the thought of facing another day, I felt something truly holding me back from suicide. I knew I couldn't do it, because I knew there was more. 

I don't know how he did it. I don't care how he did it. He turned a bitter, introverted, stubborn, addicted, depressed, selfish person into someone with passions, motivations, love, a desire to help others, but most of all he gave me FREEDOM.





free·dom


  • the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint.
  • the state of not being imprisoned or enslaved.




    Freedom in Christ doesn't exactly mean what the world says it means.
    But there is so much REAL freedom in surrendering your desires to the one who knows what's best for you, and submitting to his desire for your life. As a Christian I may not have "freedom" to do what I want without restraint, but I have freedom over my circumstances. The world is dark and scary, but I serve a God whose light can't be dimmed. 

    Despite this freedom I so desired, that he was waiting to pour into my life, I fought it so hard. It's not that I didn't want to be happy..I was just terrified of letting go of the person I identified as for 22 years. That miserable person was all I knew. My entire life had been isolation, being bullied, let down, abandoned. He wanted to show me that through all that he had never left, had always accepted me, and NEVER let me down, but I didn't want to see that..despite all the wonderful people around me, all I wanted to see was the hurt the people in my past had brought me.

    No matter how hard I fought, he fought harder. I didn't even notice the change at first. Sometimes I'm in disbelief because I know the person I used to be. But he did it for me, no matter how impossible it seemed.

    10 months ago I had no friends. No future. No relationship with my family. A toxic relationship. 

    Today I have friends. I have family. And I have a relationship with my father in heaven who so desperately fought for my life.

    Things aren't perfect. I struggle. My mother was diagnosed with cancer. Some days are lonely. I'm still learning to love my family. I'm still learning how to not live in defense mode, just waiting for someone to hurt me so I can withdraw and shut them out before they can abandon me. All I can say, is when you experience the love that God has for you, no matter what the enemy throws at you, no matter how overwhelmed and surrounded by pain and sorrow you may feel..there is comfort in knowing that the creator is holding your situation in his hands. No matter what happens to my loved ones, when you know they love the Lord you know you'll be with them in eternity. However I serve a God who raised the dead and healed my mother twice. There's just so much hope. It doesn't make everything perfect..not even close. But it makes it worth it.


    I started this blog because God gave me a burning desire to create beautiful things and share my experiences with others. I believe that his purpose for me is to show his glory through the beauty of his creation and the beauty in even the smallest of moments. If one person comes across this page and falls in love with their Savior the way I did, it was worth it.





    "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me - watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn how to live freely and lightly."

    Matthew 11: 28-30 MSG









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