Thursday, February 28, 2019

I Never Knew What Freedom Was Until I Learned What Prison Means

10 months ago, I walked back into my childhood church crushed, confused, broken. 

I had spent 3 years planning my future with someone who walked away. I didn't know who I was. I had put my entire identity in him. I had passions and desires, but no motivation. God wanted so desperately for me to grow and nuture those passions he had instilled in me since a child, but I didn't even know who God was. 

I swear I thought I wouldn't make it. There were days that my heart was so broken I thought the pain would truly never end. Dying seemed a lot easier than living. As much as I hated the thought of facing another day, I felt something truly holding me back from suicide. I knew I couldn't do it, because I knew there was more. 

I don't know how he did it. I don't care how he did it. He turned a bitter, introverted, stubborn, addicted, depressed, selfish person into someone with passions, motivations, love, a desire to help others, but most of all he gave me FREEDOM.


  • the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint.
  • the state of not being imprisoned or enslaved.

    Freedom in Christ doesn't exactly mean what the world says it means.
    But there is so much REAL freedom in surrendering your desires to the one who knows what's best for you, and submitting to his desire for your life. As a Christian I may not have "freedom" to do what I want without restraint, but I have freedom over my circumstances. The world is dark and scary, but I serve a God whose light can't be dimmed. 

    Despite this freedom I so desired, that he was waiting to pour into my life, I fought it so hard. It's not that I didn't want to be happy..I was just terrified of letting go of the person I identified as for 22 years. That miserable person was all I knew. My entire life had been isolation, being bullied, let down, abandoned. He wanted to show me that through all that he had never left, had always accepted me, and NEVER let me down, but I didn't want to see that..despite all the wonderful people around me, all I wanted to see was the hurt the people in my past had brought me.

    No matter how hard I fought, he fought harder. I didn't even notice the change at first. Sometimes I'm in disbelief because I know the person I used to be. But he did it for me, no matter how impossible it seemed.

    10 months ago I had no friends. No future. No relationship with my family. A toxic relationship. 

    Today I have friends. I have family. And I have a relationship with my father in heaven who so desperately fought for my life.

    Things aren't perfect. I struggle. My mother was diagnosed with cancer. Some days are lonely. I'm still learning to love my family. I'm still learning how to not live in defense mode, just waiting for someone to hurt me so I can withdraw and shut them out before they can abandon me. All I can say, is when you experience the love that God has for you, no matter what the enemy throws at you, no matter how overwhelmed and surrounded by pain and sorrow you may feel..there is comfort in knowing that the creator is holding your situation in his hands. No matter what happens to my loved ones, when you know they love the Lord you know you'll be with them in eternity. However I serve a God who raised the dead and healed my mother twice. There's just so much hope. It doesn't make everything perfect..not even close. But it makes it worth it.

    I started this blog because God gave me a burning desire to create beautiful things and share my experiences with others. I believe that his purpose for me is to show his glory through the beauty of his creation and the beauty in even the smallest of moments. If one person comes across this page and falls in love with their Savior the way I did, it was worth it.

    "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me - watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn how to live freely and lightly."

    Matthew 11: 28-30 MSG



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