Tuesday, May 28, 2019

If This Is What It Feels Like To Be Born Again, I'll Be Born Again

When I close my eyes, I can still feel everything. The entire day was a fog, I was in so much pain, it seemed like the day dragged on forever, yet looking back it feels like time has just flown by. 

I can't stress this enough. When it feels like you can't keep going, KEEP GOING. If I had given up at any point, I wouldn't be able to experience all that God has blessed me with. When you look at the person I am today, if you hadn't known the old me, you would probably be shocked to hear this. I've been told it's hard to believe that I was ever any different than I am now.

A year ago I was completely hopeless. 
I was crushed, joyless, in complete desperation and searching for a God that I was told could ease my pain, yet I found it so hard to believe he would do it for me. 

I remember the whole journey thinking, if God loves me, why won't he just do it now? Why do I have to experience this? I so badly wanted to fast forward to the part of my life where everything was "good."

But that's the problem. Things are never just "good." There is always pain. I'm experiencing it now, even at this point in my life where I'm so full of joy and gratefulness. Things are still hard.
When you realise that pain and joy can co-exist is when the desperation and constant crisis end.

"And it's okay to grieve, a life that could not be," -JJ Heller, Braver Still

It is a slow process. When you turn over your life, your past, your pain, to Jesus, it is almost never an overnight change. But just like wine, all good things take time. Don't be fooled into thinking that your suffering is in vain.

Memorial Day 2018 - I spent the day in bed, hopeless.

Memorial Day 2019 - I spent the day surrounded by friends and family, grateful.

If I had never experienced the pain I had, I could never see how beautiful life truly is. 
I would not be the person I am today.
And I'm thankful every moment I suffered, because it was an opportunity to cling to the Lord.
And today, I choose joy. Knowing that I will still suffer, and this life will always be flawed.


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