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Friday, February 26, 2021

I Don't Truly Know How To Put These Thoughts Into Words.

 I find it far easier to write than I do talk. For the most part, I keep to myself. There's a lot that goes on in my head. Only very few of my deeper thoughts translate to words that leave my mouth. 

The season of life I'm in right now is not pleasant. If I am to be completely honest, it is so uncomfortable.

While I should be ecstatic to be planning a wedding, I am just not.

I dread the next phone call or step in planning my wedding. It literally keeps me up at night. It just feels like so much, mainly because everything else feels like so much, too. Yet, I still don't want to just elope. I can't wrap my head around the thought of not celebrating that day. Our love means the world to me, and it deserves to be celebrated. I hope that all of it pays off, and that I can be grateful that I am able to celebrate on that day.

It's not that I don't want to get married. It's the only thing I AM looking forward to. Spending the rest of my life with David is the thing in life that is good right now. He is supportive, understanding, and patient with me when I have hard days. He is everything I need. At times, it feels like he is my only friend on this earth, and he is more than enough.

I feel like I'm drowning. In day to day - working my full time job. Running a business. I can't keep up with my work because I can't stay productive. I can't keep up with self care. I haven't seen my bedroom floor in weeks because it's scattered with clothing I can't bring myself to put away. I'm typically a neat freak. But when my mind is a mess, my physical appearance and surroundings tend match my inner thoughts. I find myself in a contact cycle of, "oh crap, I've got to clean this." and, "nope. can't do it." 

I don't know when to reach out to a friend when I'm struggling. If I do, it takes hours of mustering up the courage to tell someone I am in need. But unless I open up in that moment, I never follow through, and usually silently hope that they forget I said anything. I usually won't attempt to make time to sit with someone and talk. The only time I end up sitting down and opening up to someone it's because THEY did not forget that I reached out  - and they pursued it. And for that, I am so thankful. Because I know, we are all struggling. We are all busy. We all have more than we can really handle on our plates. But there are some people out there, so compassionate and kind, that regardless of their load of their burdens, they will never hesitate to take on the burdens of others. They will not forget. Those are the people who have sat down and heard my heart. 

As someone who is pretty isolated from the outside, and immersed in a community of faith, you would think that I have more hope for my own future. But, I truly don't. Right now, I believe. I believe in Jesus as my saviour. I know where I would be if my life ended today. But that is the extent of my faith. I feel so disconnected and out of place in this community.  They are so filled with joy, while my heart is sad. I feel the need to pretend because, there is this stigma, that as a Christian, we aren't allowed to struggle with certain things. We need to have a certain amount of strength - you can't be saved, and struggle with depression. I'm writing this, mostly, to say, screw that.

I love Jesus. I disappoint him daily and it breaks my heart. I know my heart, and I know that he saved me from eternal separation.

But I am struggling with self hatred and self destruction. I have since I was a child. I find some sort of consolation for my pain when I self destruct. This manifests in many ways, but none of them dramatic enough to attract attention, because I am continuously trying to keep up with the facade that I am okay. I know this is wrong. I know this. But I have not yet been able to overcome it. 

I have done this my entire life. The second I let myself get out of control enough for someone to notice - I immediately rescinded it and got myself together enough to struggle only internally. It's mostly out of fear of disappointing my loved ones. I can hurt, but allowing them to hurt for me - no. That is unacceptable.

Right now, I need a friend. That is all. 

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